Monday, 25 April 2016

Hell Reviews - Doll Graveyard.

Synopsis: Low-budget horror. In 1905, 12-year-old Sophia (Hannah Marks) plays all by herself in her big, creepy house with four handmade dolls as friends. When her abusive father (Ken Lyle) has finally had enough, he forces her to bury them in the backyard. But, after she slips and accidentally breaks her neck, her dad buries her right along with the dolls. 100 years later, the Fillbrook family moves into the very same house. Guy Fillbrook (Jared Kusnitz) finds the buried dolls while playing in the backyard. After the 100 year old, decaying dolls are unearthed, Sophia's spirit begins to possess Guy and the dolls are brought back to life. When Guy's bullying sister has a party with her friends and turns on him, the dolls stand up for Guy once and for all, violently showing the nasty teenagers who's boss.

Oh man, Doll Graveyard.
What can I say about Doll Graveyard?
Let me tell you...nothing positive.

This was part of the pile that my older brother bought me for Christmas and up until that point his track record was already pretty damn poor.
I completely understand that it's low budget, I really do, but that doesn't give it an excuse to be so bloody dull.
I'm not even sure if this falls into the category of so bad it's good, was it meant to be a horror comedy all along?
Or was that an accident on the producer and writer's part?
Because if it was either they A: Managed to make it just bad and B: Failed to make it funny.

The acting was just atrocious, the girl at the start seemed promising until she had to 'die', by...slipping on the dirt as she got out the grave her father forced her to bury her dolls in? Being pushed by the father? I can't tell, all I saw was a girl fall in a super controlled way, as you do when you slip.
The modern actors were worse than the 'ye olde day' actors, my left toe has more acting ability than any of the people named above.

The story was pretty much incoherent half the time, easy to follow but still 'what the fuck?' worthy at every turn.
These guys take 'dumb teens' to a new level of awkwardness.
The sister was a bitch, the friends and boyfriends were assholes for the sake of being typical jocks, there was the quirky girl who had to be untainted just because, you know...the type who wouldn't hang out with that group of friends in the first place?
The brother was a typical nerd who they tried to develop a love story with involving the quiet, shy, non-drinking virgin girl.
Which all gets fluidly forgotten when the Puppet Master rejects come into play.
The acting doesn't get better though.

It's really boring, avoid.

Though I love this little bitch of a doll.

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