Hell Reviews - Stalled

Synopsis: It's Christmas Eve. A down-on-his-luck janitor is cleaning cubicles in an office block. Unfortunately for this forlorn floor-sweeper, he becomes trapped in the washroom the very second a zombie outbreak occurs. Will he be able to hit the emergency alarm with severed fingers and a catapult bra? Has he met his Waterloo? Will he just go potty? Or will he simply remain...Stalled? Consistently hilarious, brilliantly executed, cleverly constructed and visually imaginative, director Christian James' remarkable comedy horror is The Evil Dead meets Phone Booth in a toilet.


Straight off the bat I have to say…the bathroom in Stalled is the cleanest public bathroom I have ever seen in the history of using public bathrooms.

They’re also the biggest bathroom stalls I have ever seen that wasn’t a disable stall.

I wasn’t expecting it to be a Christmas movie.
I know in the DVD synopsis it says it is, but on the Horror channel write up it didn't and that's the only one I'd read.
I’m not sure what kind of place these people work in, but it’s one odd place if wandering around half naked or in a bikini is acceptable.
Office buildings are apparently such an enigma.

Too bad the rest of the film is just crap.

One decent thing about this movie, it doesn’t take long to get into which is something I love. I can’t stand films that take the hour of an hour and a half film to get into the story.

Also the janitor's name is W.C, haha get it? Because he's stuck in a toilet?!

Classic.

Too bad that that's pretty much all it has to offer, aside from one high sequence that's kind of fun.

Now I can’t say the acting is exactly amazing, but it’s a horror comedy about a man stuck in a toilet on Christmas Eve during a zombie apocalypse, for once I think I can give a pass on the less than stellar acting.

Seeing as the guy who wrote this film is the guy playing W.C then after watching this film I believe it's fair to say that he may need a tiny bit more experience in both areas, but he's getting there.

The female he has to talk to is honestly just really annoying after five minutes, if that.

Despite the fact that I couldn’t understand half of what she said at the start because she was muffled by other bathroom stall walls, she’s just irritating after two minutes.
I can feel a bit of sympathy for her in the end due to who she turned out to be, it's not really a 'shock' but I still won't reveal it here...I didn't hate this film THAT much that I don't care about spoilers.
But let's just say I'm kind of like her.
However...she's still annoying as all hell (no...not me, that annoying Hel in the office whose name is short for Helen who you just want to stab with a pencil because she talks too loudly on her cubical phone, ya know...that Hel.)
I mean he’s their only hope to get out of that bathroom and she throws him drugs that make him hallucinate, then nags about ‘hello, he’s the one that has to get them out of there’.
Because logic.
I am a fan of sarcasm as a form of humour and even crude humour, but she just becomes more of an irritation the more she speaks.
Also to be honest the constant references can get a bit tiring after a while and most of them tend to fall flat if they’re meant to be jokes, but over all it’s a good throw away film.

The effects aren’t that bad either, pretty good for a purposefully cheesy film.

It’s not bad for a film made on a budget of 450k.
This is one film where I don’t mind not knowing all the answers, like how the zombies came into being, why did they all accumulate in the bathroom? And another very ending specific question I’ll keep to myself.
There are a few cheap ass jumpscares, which I despise, but it happens.

Would I agree that it’s the ‘successor to Shaun of the Dead’?

No, it’s a long way off, but it’s good for harmless entertainment.

If you’re looking for a horror comedy to whittle away the time then Stalled is a half decent one, but I wouldn’t say it stood up to what I expected.

This is one movie that should have been flushed without a look back. (I’m so sorry.)

Hell Reviews - Supernatural: War of the Sons - and I guess bit of a small rant.

Synopsis: This is a Supernatural novel that reveals a previously unseen adventure for the Winchester brothers, from the hit ITV series! Twenty-three years ago, Sam and Dean Winchester lost their mother to a demonic supernatural force. Following the tragedy, their father taught the boys everything about the paranormal evil that lives in the dark corners of America...and how to kill it. On the hunt for Lucifer, the boys find themselves in a small town in South Dakota where they meet Don - an angel with a proposition...How far will the boys go to uncover the secret Satan never wanted them to find out?

So here we have a time travel novel mixed in with the Supernatural verse, and compared to the few episodes we've been given over the years that involved canonical time travel...this book really didn't keep up with them.
Unfortinately Rebecca and David just didn't catch the Supernatural feel in this novel.
Now I'll be the first to say that this isn't the worst in the series, hooboy no...we'll be getting to that one soon enough, but I did find some issues with this one and it sticks out as a serious 'meh' one.

I have been with the series since it premiered in 2005, I'm pretty (read as a lot) obsessed with it, but not to the point where it takes over my life and I don't particularly partake in the fandom much. Sure I write fanfiction and kind of throw that out there for people to consume if they wish, but I don't run a dedication blog to my favourite character, heck aside from one small site I check I don't really pay attention to the actors themselves.
However, I am also not one of those fans that will blindly give something a good rating and five stars purely because it is Supernatural related and I can be critical. Heck...I'm still worried I made someone take down their own Supernatural story from Amazon for giving it an average review (I'm sure it was just legal stuff, but it's still kinda funny how it was up until I wrote the first review and then they both disappeared.)
Just because you like it, doesn't make everything associated with it good.
This is one of those novels that falls in line with deserving a more critical look despite the brand name.

This book doesn't do the well established characters justice.
By this point the show was on it's fifth season and neither authors seemed to pick up on Sam and Dean's personalities at all.
Sam is a complete non entity, I know it's something he seems to suffer from in some later seasons. Honestly they completely obliterate their characters later on (looking at you season eight, with Sam being weird and...just what was that Amelia shit?...Sam had good hair though) but it's all put down as 'character building.
Dean seems to be the main focus of this novel and that'd be cool...if they hadn't ruined it.
Yes I know Dean is into the ladies, but never have I come across him being as...I guess misogynistic as he seems to be in this particular book.
We know the older Winchester is bit of a lady killer, but this book takes it to a level that I feel even Dean wouldn't reach, it's like the writers don't know the difference between a little flirty and just downright skeevy.

From what I recall of 'Don the angel' I thought he was alright, but seeing as I don't remember him all that well he clearly didn't leave a lasting impression.
One person who did leave a lasting impression is the main female of the novel....I apparently loved her so much I can't even remember her name, that just shows how much I adored her! (Tries not to eye roll.)
I will openly admit to being one of 'those' people, you know the ones who don't like most of the female characters in the show.
No, it has nothing to do with 'slash shipping', I don't ship, I never have in anything I've watched (Okay...except Oz and Willow, loved them, but I'm biased because I love werewolves.)
No, it had nothing to do purely with the fact they are female, I dislike many male characters too.
It's because they're all written the same and that is atrociously.
I don't believe other characters should be altered just to make other characters look good, it's so forced and cringeworthy (I'll get hate for this...but looking at you Charlie.)
Of course there are exceptions, I liked Ellen and Jessica, for all of the five minutes of screen time she had, I quite like Donna too...and from the little shots I've seen of this new Reaper in season 11 I think she's alright too, everyone else is just insufferable.
Sadly whatshername from the book is no different and her interactions with Dean made me grimace and hold in a groan every time.
Yay for obvious and forced sexual tension.
Have fun with that grandma you visit when you're back in your own time, Dean. (Yes, that is relevant to the book.)

One thing I never picked up on though is what Lucifer could be wanting to hide from them, it's Lucifer...I doubt he'd give a big enough shit to need to hide anything as long as he got the vessel he needs to push his plan into motion.
I like the whole idea of the scripts, but I didn't see anything that was 'secret worthy' enough for the devil himself to worry about.
He's off killing whole groups of people and not caring because he's a grade A dickbag.

Overall, it's a disappointing read, and when I was finished I was eager to jump onto the next book that was waiting for me.
Boy....would I regret that one....
Sorry Rebecca, but even if you worked on the show it seems you have along way to go, as your next novel proves.

Hell Reviews - Drag Me to Hell

Synopsis: Director Sam Raimi (Spider-Man trilogy, Evil Dead series) returns to the horror genre with Drag Me to Hell, an original tale of a young woman’s desperate quest to break an evil curse.     
Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) is an ambitious L.A. loan officer with a charming boyfriend, Professor Clay Dalton (Justin Long). Life is good until the mysterious Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) arrives at the bank to beg for an extension on her home loan. Should Christine follow her instincts and give the old woman a break? Or should she deny the extension to impress her boss, Mr. Jacks (David Paymer), and get a leg-up on a promotion? Christine fatefully chooses the latter, shaming Mrs. Ganush and dispossessing her of her home. In retaliation, the old woman places the powerful curse of the Lamia on Christine, transforming her life into a living hell. Haunted by an evil spirit and misunderstood by a skeptical boyfriend, she seeks the aid of seer Rham Jas (Dileep Rao) to save her soul from eternal damnation. To help the shattered Christine return her life to normal, the psychic sets her on a frantic course to reverse the spell. As evil forces close in, Christine must face the unthinkable: how far will she go to break free of the curse?

Oh man...where do I even start with this one?
It's absolutely atrocious, from start to finish.
For some it may be a 'so bad it's good' kind of film, but for me it was 'so bad I regret wasting my time'.

This is one of those films where the advert made it look so good! I was amazingly eager to see it and revel in one of the 'scariest films of the year'.
A little side rant here, how do things get things be the 'best comedy/horror/action' movie of the year when the years has just started. So often something will be advertised as this in the early months, from January-May, and to me that just kind of shouts; "We don't have much hope for this movie."
Anyway, back to this atrocity.
What were they thinking?

The story itself had so much potential, but the execution lacks so much that it barely constitutes as a horror film and comes across more like a comedy.
Given a half decent writer and director I think this film would have done alright and not become the laughing stock it is, I mean even the kings of stupid movies and jumpscares could have done a better job (Looking at you, Insidious and Paranormal Activity people,) and most of their movies are utter trite.

The acting can be laughable at best.
I was honestly surprised to see Alison Lohman had quite a few things under her acting belt, but  I doubt many of it has her in the lead position.
As the main focus of the film, she came across so poorly, but the writing was also so bad that you have to kind of wonder if that's her fault or if the director just couldn't get his tone right and therefore her performance slipped as a result.
It seemed Alison was only there because they couldn't get Kirsten Dunst to appear in this travesty. Sam Raimi sure loves the 'squeaky clean, cute blonde' look for his stars.

The characters were unlikable in every sense of the meaning.
I didn't feel an inkling of sympathy for Christine as she came across as a self entitled bitch.
I'd have rooted for the Lamia the whole way if the old woman wasn't just as unlikable, you silly woman, pay your damn debts and stop cursing people, then maybe you wouldn't have to beg and be humiliated in public.
The boyfriend was completely pointless to be frank, only there to push in the whole 'perfect life' angle Christine had going for her before her life went to shit. Ultimately he is forgettable at best and irritating at the worst, which is a shame...I kind of like Justin Long.

Everything was ridiculously predictable.
The séance scene with the damn talking goat was the best part, next to the ending of course.
I admit...I kind of like the last five minutes in bits and pieces, even if some of it was eyeroll worthy.

All in all, it's good for a laugh with some friends, but don't go into it expecting anything spectacular.
If you can, give it a miss and waste the spare hour or so bashing your head in a doorframe, it's much more enjoyable.

Hell Reviews: The Devil's Detective by Simon Kurt Unsworth

Synopsis: Welcome to hell....... where skinless demons patrol the lakes and the waves of Limbo wash against the outer walls, while the souls of the Damned float on their surface, waiting to be collected.
When an unidentified, brutalised body is discovered, the case is assigned to Thomas Fool, one of Hell's detectives, known as 'Information Men’. But how do you investigate a murder where death is commonplace and everyone is guilty of something?

This is a book my mum recommended to me on Goodreads at totally random, purely on the basis of me liking horror and I am so glad she did.

On a normal basis I don't do crime, but mixing mysteries and demons? That's right up my alley.
Saying this book doesn't hold back is an understatement, there's gruesome demons, tons of blood, lots of fire, shining angels and a nice array of characters.

One thing I tend to dislike about crime books is the detective work and initially I was worried that this book would be like a basic crime book just based in Hell, but despite the focus being on one of three Information Men in the book I didn't find the investigation segments dragged at all.
The added horror elements really made the background information more interesting than if it had been a basic human detective, the fact the entire story is based in Hell gave the author a whole world to explore and delve into and Simon wastes no time in creating his own awful place.
He created various races of demon, the differences of classes and treatments that parallel the modern rich against poor society we live in today with a devilish twist and that made it all the more interesting.

Our lead character, Thomas Fool, begins as a seeming novice at his job and slowly builds as a character as the book progresses and the characters he interacts with all affect him in some way. It was nice to see a character who doubted himself, perhaps a little too much at times which could get tiring at points, but compared to the amount of self assured, strongly independent and always right detectives you get in other books it was a pleasant change.

I like the look into the relationship between angels and demons and those souls belonging in Limbo.
Michael and Balthazar were strong characters in themselves and I enjoyed the short but many segments that they showed up.

The crimes themselves were interesting and I like how the killer used various methods to destroy his victims, although I did find myself figuring out what was going on before I'd reached halfway in the books, but I wasn't completely correct in my guesses and the need to find out what was going on amongst the demons and tainted souls pushed me forward towards the end.

I had very few complaints honestly, aside from Fool's constant doubt and moping about being rather useless I never found myself groaning, sighing or rolling my eyes at anything

It's a book I would definitely recommend for those who can hold their stomach on some sicker details and I for one am looking forward to buying the sequel.

You.Just.Made.the.List...

...Of worse film I've watched this week.

I just finished watching Krampus: The Christmas Devil.
....Don't....don't watch Krampus: The Christmas Devil, wait to watch the big budget one for the sake of yourselves.
There's a reason it's only got a 1.9 on IMDB.